Marriage & Family

Managing In-Laws

A.                 While the Bible says very little about in-laws, it contains the worse example I could possibly imagine.

B.                 Case of Laban & Jacob (Gn 29).

A.                 If you have a difficult relationship with your in-laws, it can have some devastating consequences on your marriage.  The more mutual respect and appreciation you have for your in-laws, the more security and stability you and your spouse will have in your marriage.

B.                 Here are some ideas for working with your in-laws:

1.                   Go over the “Managing In-Laws” handout from the Alabama Marriage Handbook.

2.                   Here are steps you can take to lessen the stress stereotypically caused by in-laws:[1]

a)                 Seek approval.  If you aren’t married yet, seek the approval of your parents and your spouse’s parents for your marriage.  If you have their approval, you’re more likely to have their long-term support.

b)                 Know what to call them.  Ask your in-laws what they would like you to call them.  Some might prefer that you call them Mom and Dad, but others might prefer you call them by their first names.  Finding this out will help you feel more comfortable with one another.

c)                  Get your own place.  Some couples, for one reason or another, decide to start their married lives together by living with one set of parents.  This rarely works out well.  It may be difficult both for you and the parents with whom you are living.  Having your own place is a crucial step toward independence and marital happiness.

d)                 Be independent together.  You are beginning your own nuclear family.  You and your spouse should make your own decisions regarding such issues as schooling, finances, children, and employment.  Asking your parents or in-laws for advice is okay, but make sure you and your spouse make the final decisions together.

e)                  Set boundaries together.  When you get married, it’s a good idea for you and your spouse to set boundaries so that in-laws are clear about your time and privacy limits.  This may involve a discussion of how often and how long you visit each other’s families, whether it’s okay for them to drop by your home unannounced, or whether weekly family dinners together are too much.  Politely lettering your parents know how you feel will help them know when and how often they’re welcome in your new home.  Also, it’s important that each of you present your ideas directly to your own parents.

f)                   Share some activities.  Identify some social and/or recreational activities that both you and your in-laws enjoy.  Doing some things with your in-laws will help you get to know them better and feel more comfortable with them.

g)                 Appreciate them.  Be sure to thank your in-laws for anything they do for you, including being the parents of the spouse you love.

h)                 Avoid financial puppetry.  Remember that financial support from in-laws often has some strings attached, and you may end up feeling like they’re using those strings to manipulate you.  Know what strings, if any, are attached to their support, and abide by those expectations, or don’t accept the money.

i)                   Focus on their strengths.  As with all relationships, it’s always best not to focus on the negatives.  Accept any differences that exist, and look for positive attributes.

3.                   A positive approach to in-laws:[2]

a)                 Remember that parents will need concern and attention.  Parents may fear rejection by the new son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

b)                 Adopt a positive view of your in-laws.  This will help you concentrate on good things and minimize problems.

c)                  Respect your in-laws as family members of the one you love.  Remember, they love your spouse, and he/she loves them.  Never compete with your in-laws for your spouse’s love.  Try to become a welcome part of that family.

d)                 Share with your mate the responsibility for maintaining contacts with both families.  Share in writing letters, calling, sending gifts, and planning visits, holidays, and reunions.  These efforts help build family acceptance.

e)                  Be careful of directing any anger you may feel toward your spouse toward his or her family.  Confront your own problems with honesty and open communication.

f)                   Avoid comparing your spouse’s family to your own.  Comparisons can lead to defensiveness, rebuttals, unnecessary arguments, and harsh feelings.

g)                 Treat both families fairly and equally.

4.                   Treatment Planning and Action Steps and Extended Family.[3]

a)                 Be proactive in the relationship building process.

(1)              Don’t just expect relationship to build themselves.

(2)              Though sometimes closeness seems to come quite naturally between persons, it is wise to do what you can to show the extended family that you are interested and motivated to build strong relationships.

b)                 Be strength based.

(1)              This principle is nothing new, but to refresh your memory: It means to take a serious look at the resources at hand that can be used to achieve the solution you are looking for.

(2)              Instead of focusing on the problems, this approach focuses on progress and improvement.  Sure, you might have a long way to go with some of your in-laws, but there is likely a silver lining in an otherwise dark cloud.

c)                  Smile, laugh, and be pleasant.

(1)              Daniel Goldman, in his book Social Intelligence, talks about mirror neurons in the brain that make us, as a reflex, smile when we are smiled at.

(2)              This is a small fact to a larger point: It is so much easier to be pleasant around others who seem happy and optimistic.  And people will respond more positively to those who are positive.

d)                 De-escalate conflicts that arise.

(1)              Families have no tact.  Interactions are blunt.

(2)              Practice restraint and don’t yell or raise your voice.

(3)              Ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say going to encourage, provoke the person to wrath, or help calm both of us down?”

(4)              Note: de-escalating conflicts often means two other painful things: acknowledging and validating when the other person’s feelings and experience, and admitting when you are wrong.

e)                  Accept kindness from in-laws.

(1)              This sounds like an easy guideline, but many have a big problem accepting kindness from others, especially if they have felt wronged or slighted by the person in the past.

(2)              Moreover, when relationships have experienced conflict, accepting kindness is admitting that the other person is not all bad—something that can be hard to do.

5.                   What if my in-laws won’t accept me?

a)                 The spouse who is having problems should be allowed to share his/her experience and difficulties with the other spouse.

b)                 The spouse must learn to support the other spouse.  This can be done without taking sides or entering the conflict.  However, if one person is being abusive to the other, a spouse may be able to step in to end the abuse.

c)                  Keep things in perspective.  Having problems with in-laws is a problem, but it is not the end of the world, and should not be the end of a marriage either.

d)                 The spouse who is not having the acceptance problems should be closer with his or her spouse than his or her parents.  The biblical principle of “leave and cleave” fits well here.  If one is married, the spouse is number one on the priority list.

e)                  The spouse in the conflict should learn not to take any rejection from in-laws too personally.  Often, the rejection (or lack of acceptance) is not about who they are—it is about the in-laws.  Spouses are often held to unrealistic expectations and standards by the in-laws.

f)                   Remember that it is not war.  The end goal is to build a civil relationship with the spouses’ parents.  Therefore, be patient, and be quick to forgive and forget.

g)                 The spouse in the conflict should remember that honoring the spouse’s parents is a noble and loving ting to do, even when they are difficult to tolerate or like.